Expensive Annie: My brother and I are in our early 50s, and our mother has dementia. Our private lives couldn’t be extra totally different. I’ve children and have been married for 25 years.
I returned to the workforce full time 5 years in the past after having been a stay-at-home mother. My brother is a newlywed of three years, no children and works on massive tasks for his line of labor. He additionally has had some gaps between tasks.
My brother is adamant that our mother not stay in a nursing residence, so he took her in about three months in the past.
Previous to that, we shared caretaking in Mother’s residence for about 9 months, however we knew we couldn’t maintain it. We discovered ourselves leaving our spouses and youngsters. Our work suffered, and we had been exhausted. Now my brother has gotten overwhelmed and advised me he’s bored with doing greater than me, which I acknowledge as a result of she lives in his home.
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His spouse received’t come out to greet me after I go to to get my mother each weekend, and my brother will solely talk by textual content furiously — if in any respect. He’s bodily exhausted and emotionally overwhelmed and seeing a health care provider for anxiousness and despair.
He angrily confronts me (on textual content) and accuses me of being the reason for his anxiousness, after which in entrance of our mother pretends he hasn’t accused me of terrible issues. He received’t meet with me and says he desires a mediator to work out what to do. I’ve mentioned I can’t have her transfer in as a result of I do know I can’t deal with it — emotionally or logistically.
There may be unhealthy historical past between my mother and me, and whereas I’ve principally put it apart to help, I do know I can’t deal with her in my residence. I did take her in (pre-dementia), and it took a toll on my well-being, and I felt unable to deal with my children and myself in the end.
I’ve to say no to taking over the care of my mother. How do I stay with out feeling horrible when my brother has referred to as me evil and calls for extra of me than I’ve to offer? — Good Mother, Spouse, Good friend and Evil Daughter and Sister
Expensive Good Mother: Why did you signal your letter “Evil Daughter and Sister”? You’re a great daughter, making an attempt the perfect you’ll be able to. It sounds such as you and your brother have differing opinions on what’s in the perfect curiosity to your mom and her well being. You each need what’s greatest for her and must get on the identical crew.
Maybe you need to meet with a mediator, as your brother proposed, and in case you are dissatisfied with the conferences, you would possibly search knowledgeable physician who can greatest advise as to what would assist your mom stay the perfect life she presumably can.
As to your brother blaming you for his despair and anxiousness, that’s unlucky. He’s clearly hurting and wishes skilled therapy.
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